Like Dr. Christine Ford, I went to high school in the early 1980s.  While I was never sexually assaulted, I know why she did not report.

I grew up in Midland, a town of about 90,000 in west Texas. There were distinct “haves” and “havenots” in this town, built on oil and gas.  George W. Bush lived down the street from us.  My parents, who both grew up impoverished in rural Canada, lived a solidly middle-class life in Midland.  They worked hard to make my life better, sending me to an Episcopal middle school, where I met many privileged boys and girls.  Two of my better boy friends (not boyfriends) would also attend public high school with me.  At least one of these boys was Catholic.  He was a prefect at our middle school, a boy selected by the Headmaster because of his stellar moral character.  Both boys treated me with respect that I didn’t necessarily receive from other boys (and girls), and I remain friends with them today.

You see, the way that you behaved in high school had distinct repercussions on your marriageability. If a boy respected a girl, he sought her lifelong friendship and viewed her as possible marriage material.  He would have never preyed upon that girl. Those girls who were disrespected were fodder for bullying and abuse.  Although all girls were vulnerable, those that were the most insecure or alone were the most vulnerable.  I was a particularly awkward young teen and in middle school, many of the other boys bullied me. There was never a class discussion about bullying, rather, I was sent to the office for counsel by a female staff member.

My two friends from middle school also attended the public high school with me.  Both boys, in their senior year, joined a fraternity called “The Outlaws,” a group that hosted keg parties on the weekends.  On certain Fridays, the boys would wear white collared shirts with a black picture of a gunslinger on the back, which signaled to others that a keg party would be held that Saturday night. All of these parties, attended by hundreds of high school students, would be held in the desert outside of town.  Individuals were told where the keg party would be held using code:  “End of A” was the far end of A Street, 5 lights was a road where five radio towers were lined in a row, and there was one location in a peach orchard.  The local police knew of these parties and would regularly raid them to break them up. Few DUIs were administered, despite the heavy consumption.  I suspect that the police were reluctant to ruin the lives of the privileged youth who held these events.

I do not know how my friends behaved towards other girls.  I can only state categorically, that they treated me well and that I would hope that they treated others with the same respect they offered me.  One is a lawyer and the other is a doctor.  I would trust each with legal and medical decisions.  However, if the lawyer were elevated to the rank of justice and faced a hearing for nomination to the Supreme Court, I would expect him to be honest about his high school behavior.  Rather than skirt the issue of whether he participated in under-aged drinking, I would expect him to acknowledge that.  Any less would disqualify him from serving on the highest court in the country.

The concepts ingrained in us surrounding marriageability governed our behavior and our ability to report assault.  I would never have told my parents if that same account had happened to me.  Like Dr. Ford, I would have been afraid to admit to my parents that I attended a party where under-aged drinking occurred. Although my parents supported my ambitions when it came to higher education, I hold in my heart, that I would not have been allowed to sully our standing in the community.  For those of us who grew up in this period, our parents’ were also influenced by the societies in which they lived.  We can never be sure of what they would say, but “Well, he didn’t actually rape you, so let’s just keep it quiet” or “Why did you put yourself in that position?” are the responses I (and others) would have expected. I also know that today, my parents would respond differently.

I did care about how Judge Kavanaugh ruled on certain matters, but knew it would never make a difference in the outcome of his nomination.  For decades now, Supreme Court nominees have been allowed to circumvent questions on how they would rule in certain cases.  I do care about his character.  Presenting himself as a choir boy on an interview in Fox news and then skirting full disclosure about his under-aged drinking habits in front of the judiciary committee, tells me that he cares more about ascending to the highest court than governing his character with good principles. His inability to remain non-partisan and his lashing out at senators who asked him difficult questions demonstrate that he lacks the maturity to serve on the highest court in the land.

I believe Dr. Ford.  I felt deeply sorry for Judge Kavanaugh, and for the fact that his behavior as a young man has impacted what appears to be a different life today. He may have forgotten the incident in a drunken stupor or (and there is a very slim chance of this), he may not have been the one involved.  This difficult moment for him is no comparison to the decades of fear held in the minds of those who have been abused and feared reporting.  Regardless of whether there is sufficient evidence to support Dr. Ford’s claim, Judge Kavanaugh’s inability to face certain truths about his life disqualifies him entirely as a judge. And, make no mistake that while Clarence Thomas was accused of improper workplace behavior, Brett Kavanaugh has been accused of a felony.

The Senate can vote to appoint him to the Supreme Court, but I believe that the truth will come out, and that they will be faced with having a felon on the Court.