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I’ve become fascinated by recent work of Jonathan Haidt & Greg Lukianoff, who argue that the generation of “concierge parenting” and increased childhood engagement in social media has led to both the erosion of academic freedom on college campuses and increases in anxiety and suicide among young adults parented this way.  I’ve always found it perplexing that the same parents whose children complain about not being able to use a playground toy at school because it is deemed to dangerous, will violently protect them against adults who might endeavour to teach them societal expectations and prepare them for adulthood.

…vindictive protectiveness teaches students to think in a very different way. It prepares them poorly for professional life, which often demands intellectual engagement with people and ideas one might find uncongenial or wrong (Lukianoff & Haidt 2015).

Haidt’s earlier work on morality suggests that “Eastern” religions (and I’d argue some indigenous ones) are better at coping with duality and thus the “group” finds more common ground among those who lean socially liberal and those who lean socially conservative.  His TED lecture challenged the liberals in the room to take the “red pill” (with reference to The Matrix) and break outside their own moral matrix to find common ground with others.  Some of the people I most respect are able to balance the positive influences of each perspective, and approach their dialogues with “moral humility.”

Lukianoff and Haidt’s article in The Atlantic highlights the actions that can be taken by colleges and governments to protect academic freedom and it lauds both “Eastern” religions and cognitive behavioural therapy, but it does not explicitly address how parents can better prepare children for life beyond the walls of the family home.

Parents have the most onerous responsibility in the world and too often they take on the entire burden for themselves.  In disallowing others (teachers, co-parents, step-parents, grandparents, adult friends) to have an impact on their children’s lives, guiding them through difficult emotions around their interactions with other adults, they place the burden of responsibility for the child entirely at their own feet.  While internally, they struggle with feelings of shame and vulnerability over what they are promoting in their children (“Well, I can’t do that because other parents aren’t doing it that way”), externally they place the blame on society (“If only the schools would teach this”).

There is no doubt that the world is a place filled with pitfalls and fears that make parents feel the burden of judgement from others (“If I let my child experience pain, other parents will shame me”).  They need not beat themselves up for making decisions based on love and fear, but also must take accountability for the results because they have not allowed “the village” to help.  Too often, the very thing that parents protect against is created by enveloping the child in a cocoon of parental love.  The rest of the world can never measure up.

For those (few) of us outside of parenting, we face other dualities.  I have come to recognize that I could do better at “moral humility.” At the same time, I must protect myself against parents and children who fail to take accountability for how their actions might hurt those around them.  Lukianoff and Haidt also lament the duality of teaching sensitivity without weaponizing victimhood.

I think of the joy of working with the adaptive ski program.  The parents I’ve worked with release themselves entirely of the duty of parenting while their kids are skiing and trust the instructor to do what s/he feels is best for the child, simply because they are a caring adult.  This gives the parent a well-deserved break and allows the student and instructor to work out their own relationship.  Here, I am able to be cognizant of the child’s needs while still pushing her to attain greater goals.  The reward is seeing a teenager, locked in her physical and cognitive disability, attain greater independence.  I am grateful to have this experience.

Lukianoff and Haidt 2015.  The Coddling of the American Mind.  The Atlantic (September issue) at: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/09/the-coddling-of-the-american-mind/399356/